Chapter One

I stood quiet and still, my arm hovering over the trash can. My scarred wrist was facing up, and I held a razor in my trembling fingers. Everyone else was asleep. It was 6:43 AM. I looked quickly over at my boyfriend James, his face serene and his body wrapped snugly in his blanket. He was completely unaware of what I was about to do, his mind lost in sleep. I glanced into the living room, where Rhys lay on his bed, asleep. Ashley was passed out in her room...

Suddenly, a sharp pain hit my side, and I saw my mother's face in my mind's eye. Her eyes sad, her face wet with tear-tracks. I could hear her crying...she kept saying she loved me. My heart beat faster and I felt a stab of pain, of longing. I didn't want to believe those three words...words she hadn't told me in a long time...almost 6 years. Then I realized what I was seeing: my mother's face from so long ago...when she'd found out I had started cutting myself. I almost threw up at the thought of that day... It had been so long since it had crossed my mind...

                                         ---

       I was almost 14 when my mother found out I was a self-harmer. My dad told her, no matter how much I begged him not to. I remember him telling me I needed help, and that my mother needed to know. I remember crying and begging him outright not to tell her. But he wouldn't listen. He told me to go to my sister's room, who was at the time almost 1, and play with her while he talked to my mother. I pulled my sleeves down, my arms littered with cuts and gashes, and went back to Phoebe's room. She was playing with her blocks, and looked up at me with a smile when I entered the room. I sat down next to her, and pulled her into my lap, then built a tower of blocks for her, my arms stinging with every motion I made. But I continued, not wanting Phoebe to see the pain.

I heard the front door open and slam shut, my mother's footsteps on the living room floor, grocery bags thudding to the ground as she set them down. I heard her voice, gentle and sweet, as she said hello to my dad. Then I heard his voice, low and scared... I could hear it in his tone... He was going to tell her, and my life would be over. They'd lock me up...send me away... It would all be over in a moment...

Then he told her...the words I'd been dreading for almost an hour. And within the next few seconds, I felt my heart race, my stomach turned, and I felt as if I was going to pass out. I heard my mom scream my name, loud and shrill. I stood up, my legs shaking as I set Phoebe on the floor and shut her door. The walk down the hallway felt like it was the longest of my life so far. I saw my mother's face, her eyes alight with anger, her hands shaking violently as she waited for me to reach her. I finally stood in front of her, looking into her face, and waited for her to start yelling...

But at first she didn't... First she wrenched my sleeves up on both arms, the gashes beginning to bleed again, and the cuts stinging like fire. She stared at them for almost 5 minutes straight, her face going paper white, and she didn't say a word. I thought she was going to throw up at the sight of them, but instead she cried. Oh god how the tears fell... I'd only seen my mother cry a handful of times my entire life, and like the others, this time made me sick to my stomach, and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die at the sight of her pain. Knowing it was my fault absolutely killed me.

Then the screaming started... She back-handed me across the face, and called me a monster... Told me she loved me, and asked how could I do something like that to myself? Said I was going to Hell for it. And that she hated the sight of me right then. Told me to leave and go to my room.

I got to my feet, standing shakily, then ran down the hallway to my room, hearing her screaming in my ears. I slammed the door and locked it, then fell to the floor, curling into a ball. I cried and screamed and begged for her to love me. In the moments before this one, I felt an invisible thread break between me and my mother. And my heart broke. I tried to wipe away the tears but they kept coming. I grabbed the razor I hid underneath my pillow, and cut my arms to pieces, the blood pouring out, and my tears flowing freely. I couldn't cut my skin enough times, not enough to kill the pain. Before I knew it, I had 45 on my left arm, and 90 on my right arm...

I passed out from blood loss, my mind going blank and oblivious as I slipped under... I thought of nothing but blackness...